Give Us A Book Deal

A Book Deal about Blogs Looking For Book Deals

Hours Upon Hours of Spring 2009 based Material…

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Tweets About Tumblr: A Novel

I will start a twitter, based solely on tumblr.  Not links to other people’s Tumblrs, but ABOUT Tumblr.  About it’s inner workings, all the book deals that go down, etc…

I will write a series of 140 character ‘tweets’ about  Tumblr.  Those Twitter gifts from God will be turned into a TV show, which will then be turned into a Tumblr.

That Tumblr will then be giving a book deal.  Right?  Please?

Thanks.  See you on the Internet, Book Deal.

Excuses Why You Can't Go Out With Me

Each day we will post a new reason why we have been rejected by a girl.  “I don’t like Men.”  “I heard you had a small ding-dong”  “I’m allergic to dates”  “I hate ugly people.”  We will then get guest contributors.  Regular Joe-Schmos talking about their worst excuses.   Like Bill Filliamson from Tucson, MA who would write it:  “One time this bitch told me she couldn’t go to Applebees cause she needed to babysit her robotic dog/brother. WTF.”  Eventually we will make it a submittal process, where you just email us at like baddateexcuses@yahoo/gmail/hotmail.com.  We will take your regular old submissions and make them the Turkey and the Gravy of the site.  Then we can stop writing on this blog, and move on to other blogs that may garner us a more lucrative book deal.

More lucrative than what, you ask?

Than this one, we’re talking about now — cause that shit’s guaranteed a book deal.

Come on, if “Fuck My Life” can get a fucking book deal, than so can “BadDateExcuses.com/dates.org/bad/.html”

Thank You for our book deal.

What If I Were James Cromwell?

Alright Random House, follow me on this one.  This pre-supposes that James Cromwell never existed, and that I am a lot older than I actually am.  But let’s just say for giggles and shits that I were James Cromwell.  What would that world look like? Would everyone be happier? (yes).  Would war exist? (no).  If you give us a book deal we may be able to llustrate through 90 photoshops what the world will be like.  (90? isn’t that a rather short book?  Fuck it, who cares? (not me (james cromwell)).  Bound it in leather, charge 19.95.  They’ll pay.  They’ll all pay.  You’ll see.

Rules for my Future Dog

1. Stop being so fucking cute.

2. You better learn what shake means, motherfucker.

3. If you Bark, I will murder you.

4. Nuts gotta go.

5. If you don’t help me pick up chicks, so help me God, I will run you down with my car.

6. I don’t hold leashes.  You hold your own leash.

7. I will NEVER clean up your dook.

These would all be separate entries, or “chapters.”  I know we here at ‘Give Us a Book Deal’ aren’t into blowing our loads on entries until we get an actual book deal.  I won’t write shit for free, unless it’s condensed into a handful of sentences, and even that gives me Carpal Tunnel.  Maybe I should sue?  What we are into is giving all those Tumblr-book-talent-scouts some choice nugs to entice em out of the rain and into a book deal.

Rules For My Future Girlfriend

Hello our future girlfriend, have we got a book deal blog for you. We’ve decided to make a blog that gives readers a list of iron-clad rules they should have for women who date them. Rules women will be expected to follow because they outline common decency, good habits to form, and the very outlandish and specific sexual fetishes that we have. There will be rules like #198: “If I give you a piece of jewelry, it’s only fair that you let me have sex with a new place on your body. Otherwise I’ll beat you.” Oh, that’s the other thing, we’re totally going to threaten physical violence on the blog, because nothing’s funnier than hitting a woman, right? We don’t have a girlfriend now because we spend all our time writing new blogs trying to get book deals, but rest assurred, if we did have one we’d be sure to make her follow these rules, and we swear we wouldn’t just be grateful someone is finally fucking us. Take notice bitches. You may shun us now, but you’re going to love us when we’ve got a sweet book deal.

April Fools Day Pranks

What if we get all of our super successful, super hilarious L.A. comedian friends together on one tumblr account.  Alright, hear me out on this… and they write up the HILARIOUS things they’ve done to prank other innocent people (or as us comedians like to call them — civilians).  This will be great.  We’ll get Jon Lajoie to write up a song about how he pranked his girlfriend, and MadTV’s Bobby Lee to talk about his “infamous” 2002 MadTV Hot Dog Eating Contest Prank.  …I’ve heard the stories, and let’s just say — NC-17.

I think this would be super lucrative for any publishing company.  Not only is it celebrities (sorta).  It’s also topical.  Release it in exactly one year.  Next April Fools pop it on the shelves, and watch the masses eat it up like pussy.

Slutty Ninjas

Everybody loves ninjas. And by everybody, we mean people who don’t enjoy any originality in their comedy. Originality complicates things, makes them difficult & challenging, and comedy is better left simple and non-thretening. It’s easier to just be one of the 324,932 blogs that make endless ninja & pirate jokes. All you have to do is think of something ironic, then talk about a ninja doing it (and killing someone)! Or better yet, have the readership submit their own photographs, drawings, and articles. Comedy goldmine, entirely free. Unfortunately, the biggest ninja website already got a book deal, so we’ve got to show the audience something new, without straying too far from the tested ninja formula. We need to spice things up a little bit, and there’s nothing spicier than boobs (except boobs with tobasco sauce [Ed. note: run with this idea for a future book deal]). Then just combine boobs and ninjas into a pictures & articles blog called Slutty Ninjas, and brother, you can just feel the glowing Gizmodo review coming around the bend. Slutty Ninjas is going to be a huge hit on the internet. That’s where you come in. Because you’re the person who gives us a book deal. Got it? Good.

Top Ten Top Ten Lists

Here’s the deal Harper’s Collins.  We write you top ten lists of top ten lists.  They’re the hot fad on the internet right now.  Cracked.com is Digg.com’s #1 Reddit source.  What we figure is that if we write top ten lists on other top ten lists, than thats about as meta as Kramer’s Coffee table book on coffee table books. That’s what it was, right?  Maybe our first top ten list will be on top ten lists of Seinfeld episdoes (there is probably at least ten of those, right (woah, meta)).  We feel like this idea is clever enough to gurantee our admittance into Book Deal Village.  Sure it’s hard to get in.  But like the House on Haunted Hill, once you get in “You Can Never Leave.”

Please buy one of our ideas.

Dudes We Could Beat Up

What if we made a blog about dudes we could probably beat up? Would you want to give us a book deal then? Dudes like Skeet Ulrich. I mean, he clearly ripped off Johnny Depp’s whole look, right? I bet he’d be a total bitch in a fight. He’d probably act tough at first, maybe talk a little smack, because he’d be with a whole douchetourage of b-actors who think because they had Law & Order walk-ons as homeless junkies it somehow makes them “authentic” and “tough.” So they’d get riled up of course, but let me tell you, throw one good punch and suddenly they all get visions of their agents dropping them because they broke their perfect little cocaine-receptacle noses in a fight. They back off pretty quick. And then we stomp the fuck out of Skeet. See, we didn’t even have to talk about his retarded name. Now, how about that book deal?